(written Sept 15th, 2010)
I remember the day I placed you in their loving arms and walked out the door. As if it was yesterday. Your black silky hair and beautiful chocolate brown eyes. I felt nothing but love for you and them. I knew I had made the right decision. And I knew it would not be the last time I saw you. Fast forward 18 years. I have a loving husband of almost 16 years and four wonderful children. I have lived a very happy and fulfilling life. But every year that passed since that day I left you in their arms my heart remembered. I asked myself questions I did not have answers to. And I longed for the day that I would be able to find those answers. I always told myself that when you turned 18, that would be the day you would want to meet me.
Almost a fairytale, not truly reality.
Maybe it was a coping mechanism, maybe it was my way of delaying the pain. Either way, it made my heart believe that on your 18th birthday, I would finally get to see the man you had become and there would be no more pain.
Today is your 18th birthday.
And I am living 4000 miles away from you now. I pictured this day for many years and somehow it never looked like this. I have cried for the last 4 days trying to reconcile the reality with my dream over the last 18 years. I have laid awake at night trying to understand all the thoughts and feeling swirling around in my head. Even now, I cannot make sense of it all. So I guess my way of dealing with my reality is to write you a letter.
I knew I was never meant to raise you as my own. But that will never negate the fact that you have always been, and always will be, a huge part of my heart and what has made me who I am today. I had people tell me I did not have to give birth to you, I had options. I had others tell me that after I gave birth to you I should just forget it and act like it had never happened. Luckily, I did not take the advice of other people. I always followed my heart and did what I knew was best. And I have never had a moment of regret!
I have told my 2 oldest children (15 & 12) all about you. I have nothing to hide. I am not ashamed of what has happened in my life. I know that God does His best work when He is making beauty from the ashes of our lives. You are the beauty He made from the ashes of my circumstances. And I just felt honored God chose me to be a part of that.
This week has not been hard because I wanted you back, or because I wanted you to be a part of my family. But rather, I want to see the man you have become.
I long to ask you what you dream of.
I want to hear you tell stories of your childhood
and what your favorite memories are.
I want to know what you fear, and what makes you laugh.
I want to know what you excel at and what you struggle with.
I want to know what music you like and if you like to dance.
I want to experience your sense of humor.
I want to hear about your first love.
And I want to know of your first loss.
I want to hear stories about your favorite family vacation.
And what your greatest accomplishment is.
I want to know what brings you the greatest joy?
But I guess most of all, I want to know your happy and healthy.
And I wanted a chance to tell you myself why I did what I did and who I have become as a result.
I am not your mother, for I did not raise you. I am your birth-mother. I gave you life. I never had any intention of replacing your mother because I picked her myself. But I have always loved you. And I had hoped that someday I would get a chance to know you -not just from afar, but personally.
Today will not be that day I had dreamed of for so many years. And neither will tomorrow. But I will continue to hope that one day when your ready, you will look me up. And we will get to have that long awaited conversation.
And until that day comes;
I will continue to love you from afar.
I will think of you daily.
And each birthday that passes I will secretly celebrate.
Hoping it brings me one day closer to holding you in my arms once again.
