Saturday, December 28, 2013

Brutal honesty {with myself}

Challenge, upset, disappointment, trial, failure, bump in the road, obstacle, bad decision, struggle.
 I have asked myself ... am I being punished, tested, loved, disciplined or just being dealt a bad hand?
So much pain, so much sadness, why is this so hard, why does it have to hurt so bad?

But behind each picture, each positive platitude I told my kids, were these hidden thoughts......
{What should I have done different? I must be a bad mom}
{I can't afford a new lense, I'm so clumsy. If only I was a better photographer}
{I should have said so much more while I had the chance} 
{how could I not notice how sick she was? Maybe I'm not cut out to be a mom}

{This is not what I signed up for. why now,  I'm not strong enough for all this}

{This is the last straw.....unbelievable!}
{what did I hit?}

 {3rd flat in 2 weeks?!! You MUST be kidding me!I give up}
{I can't believe we are leaving...will I ever have a place to call home again...}

I have a WHAT? This can't be happening.... but I was just learning to smile again! (and mean it)
{helpless, hopeless, nothing is within my control}

{I am so thankful to be alive}

These last two years have been a roller coaster of ups and downs, highs and very low lows. And it was not until this major health issue arose did I even realize what my greatest battle has been..... 
my own mind. 
Learning to love myself when I feel like I have failed, let someone down, disappointed myself, or been unable physically, mentally, financially or emotionally to provide what someone needed. 
I want to be strong, I want to be true to myself, I want to be successful, I want to be brave. And most of all - I want to LOVE unabashedly, faithfully, and learn to SEE others at their deepest place. 
 But the truth is...I fall and beat myself up, and cry and say awful things to myself about myself, 
I am unkind and often angry because I don't measure up to my own expectations. 
I am not there yet. In fact, its still quite a struggle. 
But today I am deciding to be more gentle with myself, 
and maybe someday, I will be able to say with all honesty....