{The heart of a Birth-mom ~ PART 2}

There are moments in all our lives that change our hearts forever. Sometimes we recognize these moments as they are happening, and other times we do not fully understand just how profound the moment was until years later.  On May 22, 2011 when I was passing through Airports and boarding planes on my way to Utah, my heart wanted to shout to every person I passed.

I could not stop smiling and I wanted everyone to know why. 

September 15, 1992 was the first of many life and heart changing moments for me.

 I gave birth to a beautiful 8lb 7oz baby boy. 

I then spent the next 3 days nursing, examining, cuddling, loving and memorizing everything I could about him. I was 18 years old. I had never been in love before, 

until now. 

 I was completely smitten with this tiny baby boy.

 I had already made the decision to place him for adoption and I had already chosen the family. I knew this was the right decision. But knowing I was doing the right thing for my son did not remove the hole that would be left in my heart or the pain from the emptiness that would remain.

1994, I married my best friend and 9 months later Samantha was born. As I held her for the first time, I asked if she was really mine to keep.

1997, Tyler was born. And in February of 2000 our little Sabrina was added to our family. Then in August of 2000 I had a Hysterectomy.

We dream and make plans and have expectations of what we think our lives will turn out like. But life and circumstance does not always meet our expectations. Our hearts must learn to adapt and accept and eventually make new plans and new dreams. I dreamed of more kids. My heart knew there were more. And in July of 2005 we adopted a beautiful baby boy, George Austin.

This would prove to be another heart altering moment.  As I watched Shay grieve openly as she was handing me her baby boy my heart relived the pain she was feeling. I cried all the way home from the hospital. I was so confused at how my heart could be so filled with joy as I held my new  baby boy – and at the same time I cried tears of unexplainable pain for Shay. I knew all to well the emptiness that would remain.

I used to think that once I had my own kids I would forget about Andrew. I used to tell my heart that he belonged to someone else and he was not mine to love. But every year on his birthday – like clockwork – I would have a complete meltdown.

I was a busy mom with 4 beautiful and wonderful kids. But there were so many nights I would lay awake and talk with GT about what Andrews life might be like. We would talk about what he probably looked like and how cool the day would be when I finally had the chance to meet him.

Being a mother has taught me many hard and wonderful lessons and I continue to learn hard and wonderful lessons. But being on both sides of adoption has added a greater depth and a new dimension to being a mother. I am a Birth-mother, and an Adoptive-mother. And the common thread between all these mothers is the love of a child and the sacrifice they all require.

Fast forward to Sept 15, 2010. Andrew turned 18 and I was living in Mexico. You can read that blog post here. Then in Feb of 2011 I received an inbox on facebook from my brother. He had run into Carol (Andrews adoptive mom) at a restaurant and she gave him her email address and asked him to please have me email her.  I was curious and anxious. By this time we had moved from Mexico and were now living in Tennessee. So I emailed her and waited, and waited and waited. I thought maybe something had changed. Maybe Andrew was having second thoughts about contacting me, and maybe that was not what he wanted at all. Maybe there was something wrong with his health. My mind was going through every awful scenario. And then it came – finally a response! Andrew wanted me to take his senior portraits for his graduation announcement. But I was in Tennessee. I immediately sent a reply telling her I would love to (unsure of HOW I would get there) and praying that he had not already had them taken.

A few days later I had a message on my phone. It was Andrew!! I listened to the message over and over as I cried. Hearing his voice for the first time. He was so sweet and a little nervous, he wondered how to address me not sure what to call me.  Even now, the thought of hearing his voice for the very first time brings a smile to my face.

My sweet parents bought me a plane ticket and I flew to Utah the next day. My flight was not going to arrive in Utah until a little after 10pm; but during my layover in Phoenix I got a text from Andrew. He wanted to know if he could pick me up from the airport. Oh my! I told him it would be a late flight and a long drive to my parents house. But he said he would be honored.

OH -  be still my heart!

This was all happening so fast – I needed time to process it all.

I arrived in Utah. It was a beautiful clear and calm night. I was fumbling with my bags and getting texts from him.

“are you here?”

“I am out front”

And before I could text back there he was standing in front of me. 

Tall – VERY tall,

handsome,

beautiful,

kind,

familiar.

He took my bags,

he hugged me,

he smelled like a man – not the baby I remember.

He sounded like a man.

He opened my door.

So kind,

disbelief,

awe.

And then we talked, for nearly 2 hrs. We laughed, I cried occasionally, we shared stories. He told me he had had sweaty palms and butterflies all day- ME TOO!

I did not fully understand how deep my love was for Andrew until I was holding his hand in mine and my mind was flooded with memories of the last time I held his tiny hand in mine. And in that moment as my eyes could no longer contain the emotion welling up to the surface,

I felt as if my heart would burst with love.

He said he was waiting for the production crew with doves and music. I told him he watched the Locator to much. It is strange to meet again after 18 yrs and recognize myself in him. I could not get over how much he looks like me.

And then there are his mannerisms and expressions.

Unreal!!

There is too much emotion to even begin to put it all into words.

We got to my parents house sometime before midnight (I think) He carried my stuff into the house and met my mom. Then we made plans to meet for breakfast and decide on clothes and locations for pictures.. He asked if he could drive back out and pick me up for breakfast.

I went to bed that night and I am pretty sure I smiled in my sleep.

The next morning we had breakfast at Mimi’s Café and then went to his house to put outfits together. As I am sitting on his bed watching him go through his closet I look over at his window seal and there sat the silver bracelet I had given to him on his 1^st birthday.

It was sitting in its case with a very warn finish. =)

The rest of the day went too fast and I kept asking God for a pause button so I could soak it all in. We went to the mall, then back to his house, he showered, we took pictures, then went to dinner, drove around and shared more stories till 10 or 11 pm and then he drove me back to my parents house.

This day was unreal – I felt like I was high.

Like maybe Andrew was crack cocaine! (although… I have never tried crack cocaine) I had never experienced anything like the state of euphoria I was in.

I wanted more!

As I was lying in bed I got a text. 

Are you still awake? I just wanted to say goodnight and I love you.

It was from Andrew.

I awoke the next morning and sat a while in my bed. I kept wondering if the day before had actually happened or if it had been the most wonderful dream. 

It was Monday morning and Andrew had school and soccer practice. But he asked if we could hang out again after his practice. So I had coffee with a friend and then worked on his pictures. He picked me up around 6:45 pm and we went to dinner.

Talking with him was so easy and natural. I had a million questions. He answered them all. Never awkward or uncomfortable. And it seemed as if nothing was off limits – like we could talk about anything.  He took me back to my parents house later that night and as he was hugging me goodbye…

I knew that my heart would never be the same again.

There was healing

I flew back to Tennessee Tuesday morning with a greater appreciation and understanding of my magnificent Maker. I was not expecting nor even thought to ask for this incredible reunion. But God knew EXACTLY where I was at and what my heart would need to begin healing.

We pass people everyday on the street, at school, in the grocery store. We may smile and say hello never knowing what is going on in their lives, never knowing the condition of their heart.  

But God knows.

This will not be the end of this story and I wait with anticipation for God to unfold the next chapter. 

Inspiration from random places...

When I was 17 I ran across a Nike ad in a magazine. I was so in love with the message I tore it out of the magazine. Then tonight as Samantha and I were looking through my albums, the Nike ad reappeared. Like a long lost friend I read those same words to her that had inspired me so many years before.

You were born a daughter. 

You looked up to your mother. 

You looked up to your father. 

You looked up at everyone. 

You wanted to be a princess. 

You thought you were a princess. 

You wanted to own a horse. 

You wanted to be a horse. 

You wanted your brother to be a horse. 

You wanted to wear pink. 

You never wanted to wear pink. 

You wanted to be a Veterinarian. 

You wanted to be President. 

You wanted to be the President's Veterinarian. 

You were picked last for the team. 

You were the best one on the team. 

You refused to be on the team. 

You wanted to be good in algebra. 

You hid during algebra. 

You wanted the boys to notice you. 

You were afraid the boys would notice you. 

You started to get acne. 

You started to get breasts. 

You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts. 

You wouldn't wear a bra. 

You couldn't wait to wear a bra. 

You couldn't fit into a bra. 

You didn't like the way you looked. 

You didn't like the way your parents looked. 

You didn't want to grow up. 

You had your first best friend. 

You had your first date. 

You had your second best friend. 

You had your second first date. 

You spent hours on the telephone. 

You got kissed. 

You got to kiss back. 

You went to the prom. 

You didn't go to the prom. 

You went to the prom with the wrong person. 

You spent hours on the telephone. 

You fell in love. You fell in love. You fell in love. 

You lost your best friend. 

You lost your other best friend. 

You really fell in love. 

You became a steady girlfriend. 

You became a significant other. 

YOU BECAME SIGNIFICANT TO YOURSELF.

 Sooner or later, you start taking yourself seriously. You know when you need a break. You know when you need a rest. You know what to get worked up about and what to get rid of. And you know when it's time to take care of yourself, for yourself. To do something that makes you stronger, faster, more complete. Because you know it's never too late to have a life. And never too late to change one. JUST DO IT.

Feeding our community...

We had the wonderful opportunity to gather food from the community this morning with our church family at Conduit Church. There were bags donated by Whole Foods that we delivered on door steps Saturday night. Then we met together Sunday morning and instead of worshiping together, we served together as we gathered the food and delivered it to the local food bank in Spring Hill. It was a wonderful morning.

{make sure you pause the music before starting the video =)

{The complexities of the heart}

(You will have to turn off the music player at the bottom of the page first)

I have had a very heavy heart the last few days and have spent much time awake in the night asking God why our hearts have to be so complex. Why just a muscle can keep us alive, but when hurting....can make us feel as though we are dying inside.

There is so much that can be hard to understand about our hearts. And when my heart hurts the most there is only one place I find comfort. It is strange to experience true JOY, and at the same time have pain in my heart so intense it's hard to breathe.  

But at times like these, I lose myself most as I praise the One who is the source of my JoY. 

The words of this song have been replaying in my mind over and over...

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
You're my delights, be my everything

These are the cries of my heart....

Take my heart, I lay it down

at the feet of you whose crowned

Take my life, I'm letting go

I lift it up to You who's throned

Worship is never about whether we feel great about everything going on in our life

and whether we can Praise God because we are just seriously SOOO BLESSED!

Worship is about praising God because God is worthy of our praise even when our life may be falling to pieces. That is when we are truly praising and worshiping, when our hearts are crying out to God. In the middle of our pain, praising the ONLY one worthy of praise!

You should see the view, when its only YOU!

Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it up to You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
You're my delights, be my everything

And It’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now

You should see the view
When it’s only You

Christmas tree creativity!

So without much money and no ornaments for the tree, the creativity kicks into high gear! 

I am gonna give you a preview of what I am going to do with 

$40 of supplies from Hobby Lobby...

$4 for an old book and some blocks from Goodwill....

and what everyone should have in their craft supply stuff...

(with the exception of the book in the back, which I bought a few years back. 

Its a book of vintage Christmas postcards)

And Voila....A vintage Christmas ornament made by ME!

I have so many more ideas I can hardly sit still...so there will be more pictures. 

But for now...I must go craft!

* Thanksgiving *

Thanksgiving was a whirlwind! It came and went and I hardly felt like I had a chance to blink. Its a good thing I snapped a few pictures, or I may have forgotten I was even there. We spent the day with our dear friends Eric & Tisra and their kids. Here are my favorite highlights....

Sandy had to stay outside...

The lovely Miss Tisra

The boys made these adorable place tags

Oh the wonderfulness of FOOD!

ANd now.....its time to play!

OK ~ now who is gonna clean up this mess!

Thank you Eric and Tisra for making us feel so welcome in your home, and for making it a Thanksgiving to remember!

The way God works

So...we were in Mexico and now we are not. How did we get from there to here. I will do my best to give a brief synopsis. The long and short of it is God. And as I look back on all the small in between details, it becomes even more clear to me that it was ALL God. We are currently in Franklin, Tennessee. And we are more aware than ever that this is where we are supposed to be. Yes I have said that before. In fact I said that about Mexico. But there were lessons that had to be learned, and experiences we needed to have.

So lets rewind to the end of Sept. We knew it was time to leave Mexico. But we did not know where we were supposed to go. So we asked our friends, Matt & Tracee if we could stay with them until we could find a place. They happened to live in Spring Hill, TN. So GT put me and the kids on a plane to Tennessee and Matt flew to Mexico to drive all of our stuff back through Mexico with GT. 

What GT did not know was that though the hurricanes had not affected us in Mexico, they had washed out many bridges and roads in other parts of Mexico. So the trip for GT and Matt looked a little like this...single lane roads, bridges

bad gas

dirty cops stole all his money

car broke down again

detour to the pacific side of Mexico

fear

more cops

more fear

we prayed

someone showed compassion and fixed the car and stood up to the cops for them

they made it home. 

So now that our families are all here the stress set in. We are 12 people in a small 3 bedroom house and 4 of those children are not in school. So after the second week, we thanked them for sharing there home with us, but the stress was to much to do to friends. So we moved into a motel until we could find a house to rent. 

Here is a tidbit from a journal entry....."Our one room home. I never thought I would see the day my family would be homeless. I know we all have to start over somewhere, but I did not see this coming. And to top that, we are still fighting lice. Not sure what I am supposed to be learning, but I have absolutely have no more pride."

And to be honest, the kids handled it very well. I think it was harder on GT than any of us.  Well the kids and GT and I needed some encouragement and knew we had to find a church. There is no shortage of Christian churches in the Bible belt but a friend suggested we try a church called Conduit Mission. It has no church building, they meet in a local High School to keep the cost of the church down and have the ability to send the majority of their funds to missions. We loved this church and they took us under their wing in an amazing way.

Another journal entry.... "After the service, our new friends Tim and Angie asked if they could take us out to lunch at Jason's deli. Gt cried as he accepted. We had a great time getting to know them better. They invited us over to watch football, but I wanted to finish washing ALL or clothes and do one more round of lice treatment. So we took a football rain check. After we got home I got a text from pastor Darren. He said he had a target gift card for us and he had made some great contacts for job opportunities for GT. God is taking care of us, even if for the time being we are without a home or a job."

"Today was another challenge cause I have the flu. So my view was from my bed all day. Gt took the kids to Barnes and Noble so I could sleep and then brought home soup and juice for dinner. Gt spoke with Derrick about our situation and Derrick and June spent the day crying and praying. Then Derrick called and said he just felt like Gt should talk to the Pastor here. It just so happened that while Gt was talking to Derrick, I was getting a text from Pastor Darrin asking if Gt could meet with him tonight. So God is starting to put things in motion. Not sure how or even what, but if its Gods doing, it won't really matter."

"So it has been one week that we have been looking for a house while living in this hotel room. We have had many disappointing days as people have repeatedly told us no. But we had a chance to hang out on friday night with our village and we were very encouraged. Then today during the church service it just felt like everything was going to be okay. God is going to fight this battle for us. Praising was easy today and was such a joy. Unlike last week when praising was almost painful, today it was a welcome relief. God has much in store for us here. Sabrina is spending a second night at Darren and Shannons with Ashleigh, her new bff! And my flu has turned into a chest cold. I think my body will appreciate the rest when we get settled. The stress is too much. Soon we will have a home."

We did finally have someone tell us Yes. It was someone the Pastor here had a connection with and it is a small condo. It also had a coffee table and a family room armoire. But what we did not have were a fridge, beds for the kids, a dryer, kitchen table, vacuum or any other bedroom furniture as well as winter clothes or even school clothes. Just lots of swim suits and shorts.

This was our bedroom, and then someone gave us an armoire. 

This was our pantry, without any sort of shelving. Until someone gave us some shelves

And then there have been the clothes people have brought continuously, the meals, the groceries, the beds, the refrigerators, and more love than I have ever experienced in all my life. I was making a list of all the blessings and answers to prayers and the list was getting so long I stopped writing them all down. I would just lay awake at night and cry...because I could not contain all the gratitude in my heart!

And this is our little home! We are so grateful to God for providing for our every need. 

Luke 12:22
 Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.  Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life^[b]?  Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

    “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!  And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. ³⁰ For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. ³¹ But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

I have come to KNOW this about God. 

He is my creator, the potter. I am His creation, the pot. 

Only God knows what His plans are for our lives.

 Only He knows what He has designed us to be. 

Am I a plate made to feed others, a vase created to showcase something beautiful, 

a bowl designed to hold large things? 

This much I also know...we all start out as a slab of clay. And as the potter spins his wheel and adds water, we start to take shape. But the process of becoming what He is creating is not painless. And there are many rough edges that need to be smoothed. But I would never presume to tell the potter what I am and how I was made.  This process of moving and relocating and being homeless and unemployed has clearly taught us that we are incapable of even keeping our own heart beating.

 And the security we thought we had was only a facade. 

Our security lies only in our creator. 

So we are taking one day at a time. Without knowledge of what tomorrow holds. Only knowing that God has got our back. Praise be to Him alone. =)