Brutal honesty {with myself}

Challenge, upset, disappointment, trial, failure, bump in the road, obstacle, bad decision, struggle.

 I have asked myself ... am I being punished, tested, loved, disciplined or just being dealt a bad hand?
So much pain, so much sadness, why is this so hard, why does it have to hurt so bad?

But behind each picture, each positive platitude I told my kids, were these hidden thoughts......

{What should I have done different? I must be a bad mom}

{I can't afford a new lense, I'm so clumsy. If only I was a better photographer}

{I should have said so much more while I had the chance} 

{how could I not notice how sick she was? Maybe I'm not cut out to be a mom}

{This is not what I signed up for. why now,  I'm not strong enough for all this}

{This is the last straw.....unbelievable!}

{what did I hit?}

 {3rd flat in 2 weeks?!! You MUST be kidding me!I give up}

{I can't believe we are leaving...will I ever have a place to call home again...}

I have a WHAT? This can't be happening.... but I was just learning to smile again! (and mean it)

{helpless, hopeless, nothing is within my control}

{I am so thankful to be alive}

These last two years have been a roller coaster of ups and downs, highs and very low lows. And it was not until this major health issue arose did I even realize what my greatest battle has been..... 

my own mind. 

Learning to love myself when I feel like I have failed, let someone down, disappointed myself, or been unable physically, mentally, financially or emotionally to provide what someone needed. 

I want to be strong, I want to be true to myself, I want to be successful, I want to be brave. And most of all - I want to LOVE unabashedly, faithfully, and learn to SEE others at their deepest place. 

 But the truth is...I fall and beat myself up, and cry and say awful things to myself about myself, 

I am unkind and often angry because I don't measure up to my own expectations. 

I am not there yet. In fact, its still quite a struggle. 

But today I am deciding to be more gentle with myself, 

and maybe someday, I will be able to say with all honesty.... 

Life, Loss and Healing

Life has a way of changing us.
Changing our minds,
changing our beliefs,
changing our circumstances,
changing our perspectives.
But most of all...changing our hearts.

Time is a funny thing.

Remember when you were a kid and waiting for Christmas was a lifetime away. Now it feels like time is passing at light speed.


I have tried to write about the events of the last month over and over again.
But every time I started, my mind just got flooded with so much emotion that my hands could not type fast enough.
So please forgive me if none of this makes sense.


When I was growing up I did not understand my dad. In fact, if I'm being honest,  there were many times when I don't think I even liked him. I had my own ideas of what I thought life should look like and in my mind, this was not it.

I have been thinking a lot about scars lately.

I have a scar on my knee from Kindergarten. Its actually a memory that makes me smile.I won't tell you what year, but I will tell you where. We lived in Pierce City, MO. and I was being chased by a boy. But not just any boy, a boy I liked! And then I fell on a rock. What I have left from that fall is a memory and a scar that I have stared at most of my life.

Paper & a Deck of Cards

I saw this wonderful idea for a Valentines day gift on Pinterest called "52 reason why I love you". Using a deck of cards you put one reason on each card. But it was just words. I am such a visual person that words alone were WAY to boring for me. So beginning in January I started gathering ideas of what I wanted to use to help illustrate each of the 52 reasons why I loved GT. But as usual, time FLEW by and other projects took priority. ie. . .100 days of school, Valentine boxes for kids, Sonja coming for my birthday, MY Birthday....you get the picture. 

So ON VALENTINES day morning I got up and brushed my teeth went downstairs and got coffee, and started what I thought would take me 3 or 4 hrs to assemble. 

Kids got home from school and I was only on #25

GT came home from work around 8:30 and I still had 4 more to finish. . .

13 hrs later I was finally done.

I gave it to GT unwrapped and with out much explanation, except that I was still in my PJs because I was thinking of him ALL DAY long while making his gift! 

As he started going through each card and tears were rolling down his face, I knew he did not really care that nothing else had been done that day.  And I no longer feel guilty that I was a mess. 

Here is the finished project. And if your counting. . .there are several I left out. Some were just inside jokes that would not have made sense, and some that were just personal.

Someone read my mind . . . and my heart!

I have had something on my heart for sometime and just could not put into words how I felt. So you can imagine my surprise when I got on  facebook tonight and discovered someone had written it all down for me. No need for me to stumble over my thoughts and jumbled emotions, it was all right there. . . just with different characters and a different circumstance. 

Amazingly though, I felt EXACTLY the same thing she was describing.  

Thank you Melody!

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